How to be the Best Husband Ever in 7 Easy Steps

1. Don't complain when your wife is sick with the first death cold of the year and keeps you up all night with her coughing, sneezing, blowing her nose, and just being altogether disgusting.

2. While your wife is gone to Parent Teacher Conference until all hours of the night (9:00 feels so late now that I'm old and boring) pick up the house and make sure it is sparkling when she arrives home exhausted.

3. Take your wife on a date and don't even laugh (too much) about the fact that she talked too much at Parent Teacher Conference and now has lost her voice and can't speak above a faint whisper.

4. While on the date, let your wife order the dish you were eyeing and pick something else. Oh, and make sure you order the Spinach and Artichoke dip too.

5. Always, Always, ALWAYS, remember to grab ice cream at the end of the date. And don't even stop at Walmart before heading home even though you really want to.

6. After telling your wife 10,000 times that you can't help her with the yard work the next day because you are just too dadgum busy, surprise her the next morning by removing the flat tire from her car, pulling up all the plants in the garden and loading them in the back of your pickup, and retrieving the lawn mower for her to use later that day...all before 8:00 in the morning. (I seriously got a little teary eyed when I saw he had taken care of the garden for me.)

7. Come home after working all day and before going to a big long church meeting help your wife finish mowing the lawn and cleaning the garage.

Yeah, Kolton was kind of the MVP of our house this week.

Oh my stars, I love that man.

A Boy and His Cat

We got a cat this summer. 

Her name was Lola (note the "was"...just so you're prepared)

Kolton loved this cat. Like, really. As I have grown older I do not care for animals as much as I once did. As Kolton has grown older he has become a real softy. 

Lola was delivered to us while we were up camping at the Hansen family reunion. She stayed in a box inside the camper while we mingled with family. Later that afternoon I caught Kolton carrying Lola out of the camper to give her some fresh air. I had forgotten all about her. 

Every morning before he leaves for work, Kolton feeds that cats and pets them and tries to tame the wilder ones. I'm not exaggerating in the least when I say that I honestly have not even seen the cats for a week. Let alone petted them or fed them. It's a good thing those cats have Kolton. 

Out of the three cats Lola has always had a special place in Kolton's heart.

One day we realized that Lola was getting awful fat. As time passed and she kept getting bigger and bigger we determined that she was probably "with child". We were a little angry because she was so little and her stomach was getting so big and we were worried about her. So Kolton, being the good pet owner that he is, spent some time after work one night and made a cat house. I got a text from him saying, "Get a housewarming gift ready!" and when he came home I went outside to see this:

And I died laughing. 

Unfortunately, this story has a sad ending. 

So Lola just kept getting bigger and bigger and we started thinking that any day now she would have those kittens. 

One morning we went outside and she couldn't move to stand up. Her back legs weren't working. We brought her in the garage and figured she was probably in labor. I checked on her every couple hours and she just kept getting worse and worse. By the time Kolton got home for lunch she had died. It was the weirdest thing and I felt so bad. We really don't know what exactly happened but we started wondering if maybe she had a tumor instead of kittens...? Don't even know if that's possible, but we sure felt bad. 

Our animal killing saga continues. We've decided it might just be best to stay away and not get attached. If this is any indication to our parenting skill level, we may be in trouble.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

School is great.

School is fun. 

School is exhausting. 

But it's mostly just really awesome. 

 Those kids just kill me! We've had some good times together. 

Here are some of the funnier things that I can remember. 

1. One kid in particular just makes me laugh. It doesn't matter what he is saying, I think it is funny. One day we were all lined up ready to go to the library and he made a comment and I exploded into a giggling fit that I couldn't get under control. For at least two minutes. So all of the kids are in line staring at their teacher who can't quit laughing. They think I'm weird. 

2. Kolton brought his potato gun to school to show the kids and we both received the following comments: 

-"Your husband has nice rims on his pickup."

-"Wow, that's a nice chevro-let (he pronounced the 'let')

-"You guys make a cute couple."

-"You have a beautiful wife."

-"Can we go out in the field and catch the potato after you shoot it off?" (um...probably not darlings...)

3. We did a pre-test just the other day and the kids had to list 3 helping verbs. A surprising number of kids wrote things like:

 -Mowing the lawn.

-Making my bed. 

-Cleaning the house. 

etc. 

(I died laughing while grading their tests. I thought this was so cute and funny.)

4. "We just want to have FUN!" -After I told them that planning a flash mob to the Harlem Shake during the middle of class was unacceptable. (I was actually laughing really hard inside but I didn't let them know that)

5. After I told one of the kids that swinging made me motion sick he said, "Just try to think of something boring. Pretend you are in church."

6. "Wanna know somethin? I have acid reflux."

7. After I told the kids that I was keeping track of every time they got in trouble and would tell their moms about each incident one kid was just devastated. He put his head in his hands and said, "Oh no....you CAN'T tell my mom...."

Oh man, they just kill me. I'm sure there are many more, but that's all I can remember for now.

This is the story of an almost iPhone

So once upon a time (this story actually happened back in July) Kolton had surfed behind the boat with his phone in his pocket. It was unknown whether his phone would survive the damage, so he started planning and plotting about the new phone he would get. Since we like to stay up on all the trends and be cool and stuff, he wanted to get himself a fancy little iPhone.

Fast forward to a few days later, Kolton had finally decided to get himself the iPhone even though his old water soaked phone was actually still working. (Don't ask me why, I've never quite understood the workings of that boy's mind) So he headed into town and got himself the phone. Honestly I did not even care what he did, but I did think it was strange that he was getting a new phone when his old one still worked. But I think it had something to do with the fact that the iPhone was on sale at the time and if there's one thing Kolton can't resist, it's a good deal. With his affinity for good deals we have found ourselves with many treasures that we neither wanted or needed until we found out we could get them for cheap and they became necessities. (A certain piano comes to mind...)

Anyway, so he got the phone he wanted. And from the minute he got home from town until the next morning all I heard from him was what a huge mistake he had made and how dumb he was and how he now wanted to return the phone he had had for less than 12 hours. Well lucky for him, he had to work so I was volunteered to drive to Rexburg and return the phone. 

The reasons Kolton wanted to return the phone. 

1. I don't deserve it. 

2. It's going to get dropped/wet/muddy/shattered/filled with hay leaves/ruined out at work. 

3. My old phone works fine. 

Now if you know me at all you will understand why and how much I DESPISE cell phone stores. If you do not, here is a noncomprehensive list. 

1. There is never anyone working there. Two people at most. 

2. The two people that are working there are almost always not super smart. 

3. The two nonbrilliant people that work there only know how to speak in some advanced cell phone technology language that I just do not understand. Their vocabulary includes words like:   fastest 3G network, specialized mybullfrog insurance plan, unlimited data plan, account numbers, etc. I do not know what these words mean. 

4. For some reason, even the simplest transaction seems to take at least an hour. I have never in my life gone in a cell phone store and gotten out of there in under an hour. Never. 

5. The two techie employees are always trying to talk me into things that I do not want to be talked into. And they put on the pressure. And they make me feel dumb. 

6. etc. 

Continuing on...

So now you may understand why Kolton was not exactly my favorite person in the world when HE volunteered ME to return the phone that I told HIM not to buy in the first place and that HE had bought less than 12 hours before. I really just don't know how I got mixed into this equation. 

I still don't know how it happened because I did put up a fight (including sharing with him my noncomprehensive list from above...except he got the comprehensive version) but somehow I found myself walking through the dreaded cell phone store doors.  

And the experience proved to be everything nightmares are made of and was just exactly as unpleasant as I knew it would be.

He owes me big time. 

Believe it or not, returning the phone took three different trips to three different cell phone stores before we finally got everything settled. We did not even OWN the phone as long as it took to RETURN the phone. 

But Kolton did get his old phone hooked up and a severe talking to from his wife about doing dumb things. 

And that's the end of the story.