on growing up

I have been thinking a lot lately lately about "growing up" and what that actually means. I know that the reason I was supposed to come here to BYU was to help me in this growing up process. I had such a hard time deciding between here and BYU-I. When I think about it now, I don't regret my decision at all. Coming here was kind of my own little adventure that I really desperately needed.

When I decided to come here, I knew my roommate (kind of) and that's it. Really. I didn't have any family anywhere close, or really any good friends/acquaintances that I could count on. Through this experience I really learned to rely on myself and discovered that I'm a lot more capable than I had ever before thought I was.

I had to be responsible for myself. If I had a homework assignment due or a test coming up, my mom wasn't there nagging at me about it. 

If I wanted to eat dinner, I made it myself.

If my clothes were dirty, I did my own laundry.

Those are only the obvious things that come with living on your own.

I also learned that I don't have to have a buddy with me all the time-that I can do things by myself.

That was a hard thing to get used to.

I'm used to being surrounded by friends and people I know that I can call on to accompany me. However, being in the midst of about thirty thousand people, a very small fraction of which I know the names of, was a little intimidating. I walked by myself all around campus, I sat by myself during class, I attended a play by myself, and even got used to eating lunch by myself. I made some friends along the way, but most of the time it was just

me,

myself,

and I.

But now I have come to not mind being by myself. It's actually kinda nice to just do my own thing and get done what I need to.

And to tell ya the truth,

I kinda like it.

Another sign of my growing up is that I've been able to make phone calls and talk to professional people. This has always been real scary for me, but I've had to practice this a lot lately (especially with planning a wedding!) and it really doesn't bother me anymore. I have learned how to express myself clearly, and even though I still practice what I'm going to say before I make the call, I no longer stress about having to call this person, or talk to this person and it really doesn't bother me anymore.  

Along with that, another thing I have learned about growing up is not being intimidated by people. I have always been really bad at this, and it drives me crazy! However, as I've grown up, I've realized that I can appreciate other's strengths and not only see my own weaknesses in the shadows of their strengths.

For instance, the other day I ran into a friend that I have always been intimidated by. She is gorgeous girl, and is nice to boot! But for some reason, after every other encounter I've had with her, I walk away feeling like I can never in a million years measure up to her. And it's maybe caused me to resent her a little bit.

However, the other day when I ran into her we had a lovely conversation and I was able to walk away thinking about how nice she was and how happy I was to have seen her.

This was such a huge step for me, and the significance was not lost on me.

 So even though these may seem like minor examples, I guess the main idea of this very random post is that as I have grown up and been able to live on my own I have learned to accept myself just the way I am. I still make silly mistakes, and there's always room for improvement, but I really believe that I am doing okay.

I may not be perfect, but I'm working on it.

And I'm totally okay with that.