Curse you, Smith Honda!

So.

I have lots of other uplifting things that I could write about but I'm irritated enough at what happened today that I feel the need to share it now. 

So a couple weeks ago someone (ahem...not me) hooked up the jumper cables to my dead car (that was actually my fault) incorrectly and fried some kind of fuse or something. (In his defense, he was trying to help me get off to school and had just woken up and was a little groggy/hurried) From that point on the speakers in my car were no longer working. So dear Kolton took my car to the dealership to get it fixed. He scheduled an appointment for first thing in the morning, the first appointment of the day. He was pretty sure he knew what was wrong with it and which parts they needed to order in. He tried to tell the guy on the phone, but they wouldn't order them before they saw the car.

He got in there on time and sat for nearly two hours. Finally a guy came out and said, "So, we've just pulled your car in. Will you come show us what's wrong with it."    !!!!! I don't know what they were doing for those two hours but they were definitely not working on the car! So that was strike one. And then of course Kolton had been right about what the problem was and they didn't have the right parts so we had to schedule a return appointment. 

I got nominated to take the car in this morning. Now first of all, I'm a big dummy and knew the appointment was at 9:30 but got confused this morning and thought I didn't need to leave till 9:30. So I'm chilling around the house when all the sudden at 8:25 I realize that I needed to be leaving in the next 5 minutes in order to be there on time. So that was brilliant. But I was only about 15 minutes late and felt so bad that I called ahead to warn them. 

I finally get there at 9:45 and they pull my car in and lead me to the waiting room which has a TV and a bunch of magazines. I had asked for a rental car to drive around but they told me they didn't have any available, but DID have a shuttle service to take me somewhere. After Kolton's experience I knew that it probably wasn't going to be a super quick visit (two hours maximum, I figured) and didn't know where they could drop me off for two hours. So I started flipping through the magazines and am immediately disgusted. There are only golf, motorcycle, and Sports Illustrated magazines. Why on earth would they only have magazines geared towards men? Don't they realize that men always volunteer their wives for unpleasant tasks like taking the car in? Maybe I'm totally off base but at least they should have some kind of mix. I did actually find a New Era and settled in to read. 

As I'm reading people are coming in and out and I'm still sitting. On the bright side, there was a neat documentary about eggs on the TV. If you need to know anything about how egg products are produced and the steps involved there I could tell you about anything you need to know. 

Once the egg documentary was over a new one started about how cheese is made. Again, if you want to know about different varieties of cheese and how they are produced, I'm your girl. 

By the time the soybeans documentary had started I'd had just about enough, however. Mind you, this is at 12:30. So I called my mom because I knew she was headed into town. She was about to town and kindly agreed to come pick me up. Then I went to talk to the manager man that I had been working with. Throughout those 2-3 hours not one person had come to update me on the situation or check on me at all. Not that I needed "checked on" necessarily, but I had been sitting there for quite some time. Anyway, the guy told me that some of the sensors they were fixing were what was taking so long. It was about an hour and half job alone let alone with the other things they were fixing. But when I told him I was leaving he assured me that they were nearly done and kind of made me feel dumb for leaving. But I figured I could at least grab some lunch with my ma. 

So we take off and run errands and grab lunch. At 2:30. 2:30!!!! They call me and tell me that my car is done now and I can come grab it. I couldn't believe it and was so glad that I had left that dumb place. We were in the middle of some errands so I told them I'd be back in about an hour. 

We show up at 3:30 and my car is still in the shop. It hasn't been washed (which they had told me they had done), the hood is up, and I can tell someone is still working underneath it. 

When I go inside I ask the guy if they have finished with my car. "Oh yeah," he assured me. Then he happily took me back to pay my bill which about made my eyes pop out of my head. Then he leads me to my car and has me jump in and start it. Then he had me turn it off and sit while he checked the oil levels and talked to the guy that was still definitely changing the oil (which he had assured me on the phone that they had done). Meanwhile I'm sitting in my car doing my best annoyed face to my mom as she's doing it right back to me. 

FINALLY I pull my car out and unload some of the groceries I bought while my mom chews on the guy a little bit. By that point, steam is coming out of my ears but I just wanted to get the heck out of there and NEVER return. Apparently the guy wasn't as phased by her chewing as I usually am because he only offered his apologies. 

Anyway, that was an experience that I don't feel the need to top anytime soon because if you were keeping track that was six hours that I would have been sitting there if my mom hadn't been around. Apparently they had needed an extra part and had to wait for it to come in and then who knows what else they were doing because they definitely hadn't done any of the things they said they would. Man, that was not a fun day. 

Part 4

Through all of that pain and heartache I was able to get through the rest of 2014. Not exactly in one piece, but I was still trudging. 

In December things got hard again. Each month after the miscarriage I would hope and hope and hope to see that positive test. But I was let down again and again. That much hope and let down is not good for a person. I was nearing my breaking point (I thought I had passed it a long time ago, but it just kept getting worse and worse). 

Christmas was hard. I (we) tried to be excited and happy, but it fell flat. We debated on even putting up a tree before we decided to try it, to see if it would lift our spirits. And maybe it did. But really, there wasn't a huge difference. Honestly, I felt like we just made it through the holidays. We put on a happy face and just faked it. A few days after Christmas when I was let down once again, I was nearing nervous breakdown status again. We headed to Island Park for the week and I sobbed (angry sobs) all the way up there, and most of the time that we were there. I wasn't feeling like I was even okay anymore. Now, more than ever, I needed that miracle. And guess what, it finally came. 

Mid-January after a lot of resisting ( I had given up taking pregnancy tests a LONG time ago) Kolton finally convinced me to take a test. And it was positive. I couldn't believe it. When I showed it to Kolton we both just looked at each other, not even daring to hope or really do more than give a small smile to each other. We were not celebrating and we didn't even really dare be happy or excited or make any plans at all. I didn't even try to count months to figure out when I was due for a looong time. We knew the disappointment and heartache that could easily follow this good turn and we weren't going to fall into it again. So we moved forward trying to feel nothing. But as days and weeks passed we started to feel good. Especially once we passed the dreaded 6 week mark (when I had miscarried before). 

My parents had been on a few vacations in January and I hadn't seen much of them. The first time I saw my mom in a few weeks she followed me into the bathroom while I was touching up my makeup and asked if I was pregnant. I denied it for a full 5 minutes before she broke me. She said she could just tell. I was happier. 

A few months later, Kolton was talking to Dave Spencer when he asked if we were expecting. He said that Michelle had noticed something different about me at Parent/ Teacher conference which had been not very long after we had found out. 

Now I am 18 weeks along and happy. It feels so good to be happy again, I had almost forgotten. I've always been a pretty positive and naturally cheerful person and it feels good to find that part of myself again. Because it was gone for a long time. We are doing good. I have been pretty sick which is hard and frustrating, but I finally came to the conclusion that I've been sick because it helps me not to worry. Being sick is a good sign that things are progressing normally and it really is comforting. I feel like I may have felt her a few times, but I don't really know yet. Nothing too regular or definite. 

So far our story has had a happy ending (or beginning, really) but my heart aches for those people who haven't received the blessing that we have. I hurt for them and pray for them always. This was the hardest thing I have ever gone through and for anyone that is currently going through it, I think of you constantly. Just know that you are never alone. 

And that's the end of my story for now. Hopefully I get telling some more upbeat and positive stories now that I've got that off my chest. Life is good! 

Part 3

The strengthening process that I talked about really did take a long time. I still felt broken and shattered, even though I was able to get back into my normal routine. I specifically remember one Sunday. My cousin played an arrangement to "Master the Tempest is Raging" in Sacrament Meeting. As she played I was overcome with emotion. I opened up the hymnbook and followed along with the words and felt that the first two verses in particular really described how I felt at that point in time. 

1. Master, the tempest is raging!
   The billows are tossing high!
   The sky is o’ershadowed with blackness,
   No shelter or help is nigh;
   Carest Thou not that we perish?
   How canst Thou lie asleep,
   When each moment so madly is threat’ning
   A grave in the angry deep?
   • 
     
2. Master, with anguish of spirit
   I bow in my grief today;
   The depths of my sad heart are troubled—
   Oh, waken and save, I pray!
   Torrents of sin and of anguish
   Sweep o’er my sinking soul;
   And I perish! I perish! dear Master—
   Oh, hasten, and take control.
3. Thinking about this song and how much the words really applied to my life at that point in time had me in tears the rest of the day. I taught the YW lesson and bawled through the whole thing. I think the girls were a little weirded out. They didn't know what was going on with me and truthfully no one did. A miscarriage isn't exactly something you broadcast to people. It's something that is kept quiet. I didn't tell my very closest friends for a really long time. So we were just privately mourning throughout the entire fall. Those were really bitter and bleak days. Even though I had been strengthened, it was still painful. And it hurt all the time. There was a ragged hole in my chest that didn't heal. And if I didn't know any better, I would think that there was literally a hole there because I felt it. It had ragged edges and was just there and wouldn't heal. Every time I cried during those months I could feel it and I would huddle up and clench my shoulders together to try to stop it from getting bigger. 
4. One thing that helped me get through that fall was the poem "Good Timber" by Douglas Malloch. I would constantly (multiple times a day) repeat the following lines to myself.
5. The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.






Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Part 2

Seeing that positive pregnancy test was a miracle. I remember it perfectly. It was September 19th and the best day ever. But even though seeing that little positive symbol made me over the moon happy, I wasn't completely over the moon happy. I had this teeny, tiny foreboding feeling that I quickly pushed away. I felt it was really a miracle that I was experiencing. The first month I quit seeing the doctors, I got pregnant. My due date would coincide exactly with the end of the school year. It was all perfect. 

 It was a happy two weeks. I was feeling better than I had in a LONG time. It was Spud Harvest and I was freezing carrots from my garden. I had been feeling uncomfortably, painfully crampy all day and when Kolton came home for a late lunch I went to the bathroom and saw a tiny bit of blood. I fell apart and we jumped in the car and sped to the doctor. It was a silent, scary ride. We got right in and as soon as they started the ultrasound Shannon said, "Oh! There's a heartbeat!" Immediately we felt super relieved and were able to leave the office with smiles. 

Over the next few days I kept bleeding. And it progressively got worse and worse. One night I woke up at 2 am in a cold sweat and sobbed to Kolton about what would happen if we did lose the baby. I was eventually able to calm myself and go back to sleep. 

I went to the doctor again a few days later because I was still bleeding. Again, there was a heartbeat and I felt hopeful. But at this appointment the doctor insisted on drawing blood to figure out my blood type. I thought this was odd but went with it. When I got home that night I was in serious pain for the next few hours until I finally miscarried. But even then we weren't sure. I was exhausted and quickly fell asleep but Kolton was awake and worried. The next morning we went to the doctor first thing to confirm what we really already knew, but hadn't really accepted. 

From that point on, I felt anguish. Just pure despair. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed through the next two days. I couldn't get off the couch. I couldn't eat or sleep and when I tried to get up to do something to take my mind off of it I couldn't even stand up straight. So I just laid on the couch, miserable. Nothing anyone could do or say made me feel better. Kolton was upset too, but I was just in a whole other league of misery. I don't even like to think back to that time because it just makes me cry and wonder how I did it. And I didn't know how I was going to do it. I honestly wanted to die. I wished for it because I had no idea how I was going to make it through this. 

On one of those first nights Kolton was outside dealing with his grief in a productive way (doing yard work) and I was in the house still unable to do anything. I remember laying on the bathroom floor and trying to pray. It came out as more of an angry yell, "Why did you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this? How am I going to move on? How will I ever be okay again?" I poured my soul out to Heavenly Father and let Him just how unhappy I was with Him. I blamed him for taking away my baby. And I just didn't know why. 

As I was lying there, I was slowly able to calm down and stop the tears that hadn't quit flowing for two days. I felt a teeny, tiny bit of peace and I was able to pick myself up off the floor and take a tiny step forward. From that point on, each day got a little better. It was imperceptible at first, but looking back on those days, and weeks, and months I can see how it got better. I was able to go back to school and go to a friend's baby shower which I knew would be painful and had thought would be impossible. 

I know, without a doubt, that I had the help of my Heavenly Father to pass through this trial. This experience reminds me so much of the story in Mosiah 24. The people of Alma are being persecuted by the Lamanites and cry unto the Lord. Here's a small part of that chapter:

 13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

 14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

I can relate so much to this story. I can testify that I felt that strengthening process. I had this huge burden placed on me and it was more than I could bear. But as I continued to pray to Heavenly Father he strengthened me. He didn't take my burden away like I wanted Him to, but He strengthened me that I was able to bear it. This didn't happen overnight. It took a long time, but eventually I was able to be okay again. Not great, not even fine, but okay. 

Here I am.

Here I am, ready to write the longest and hopefully not too super depressing post. But I've been feeling like I needed to share my story for quite a while now. And that's why the posting has basically stopped. I can't write anything until I've written out what I need to. 

So, in light of our big, happy, life-changing news...

I feel like I have to share a little more about how we got here. Because it was not an easy journey. And while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I want to share so if anyone else is going through the same thing, they can maybe find some peace through reading my story. 

So we started talking about baby stuff in November of 2012. I went off birth control and we weren't necessarily "trying" but we definitely were not not trying. I figured it would happen within a couple months but those passed with nothing. Finally I started using ovulation predictor kits and never got a positive result. My biggest regret is waiting a year to see a doctor, but I felt like that's what was required. My second biggest regret is going to see the doctor that we chose. I wrote about that here

But after my surgery I was feeling much more peaceful. I felt like we had found the cause of the problem and miracle! I ovulated on my own (without any meds) for the first time ever! I was feeling good until the specialist we were seeing put me back on medication (Femara). I didn't feel right about this but figured he was a specialist and surely knew more about this than I did. Anyway, that stuff did a number on me. I can't remember how many rounds exactly that I did but it turned me into a psycho crazy person. I was moody and weepy and honestly just a real mess. 

One night in early August I had what I don't know what to call other than a nervous breakdown. I had been running to Rexburg about every other day for a couple days to do ultrasounds to track when I ovulated. Finally Shannon told me that I hadn't ovlulated that month and probably wouldn't. I felt like we were back to square one and had made NO progress, actually we had taken steps backward in the past few months. I was an emotional wreck all day long. I remember making about 15 loaves of zucchini bread trying to calm myself. It didn't work. And when I got in a baler that night and my mom called, it all came crashing down. I can't even explain it. I was sobbing and couldn't breathe (hyperventilating) and just a complete mess. My mom finally came and pulled me out of the baler and took me home to Kolton who, sweet soul that he is, had no idea what to do with me. 

That night and over the next few days we decided that we were DONE. No more doctor's visits, no more blood draws, and definitely no more medications. We were taking a complete break from everything until January. For the first time in a long time, I felt completely peaceful. Everything was good. I knew that it was right. And guess what else? I got pregnant. 

1-6

It's teacher work day.
That means the kids are home enjoying their three day weekend and I am here at school doing anything I can to avoid working.
I am struggling today. I have lots to do but just no ambition to get it done. So I'm here to give you the most random assortment of thoughts that has ever been about my life in this current point in time.

1. So Kolton is the breakfast maker in our household. In the mornings I'm always too busy dragging myself out of bed and taming my hair into submission to do more than grab a granola bar on the way out the door. So Kolton staged an intervention and I don't know if he knew what he was signing up for when he started, but now he's the official breakfast man. 

And let me tell you, he makes a mean smoothie. I feel like he is really selling himself short. He should be working at Jamba.

2. Speaking of Jamba, one day I was grocery shopping (maybe?) and Kolton was not wanting to be grocery shopping so to get himself out of it he suggested that while I shop he would grab us some Jambas. I was on to him but a Jamba can always win me over. So he went to Jamba and was having a hard time deciding what to order. (I know, totally out of character for him.) the kid working the counter asked if he could make a suggestion and told him he should order a Meeko's Miracle and then explained that it was one of his inventions that had been self-titled. So Kolton did it and guess what? It was the best ever!!
A couple months later the grocery shopping situation repeated itself and Kolton went to Jamba and ordered up a Meeko's Miracle. And everybody in Jamba was so excited about it. They were all peeking at Kolton from the back and telling each other what he'd ordered.

3. We started over on the Office. That Netflix was the best gift I could have ever given Kolton. Anyway, we finished The Office a few months ago and I have been begging Kolton to start watching it again and one day he gave in and now our evenings are super enjoyable. I love that show too much.

4. I do Scholastic Book Orders at school and I just love them. I am always encouraging the kids to order because I can get free books. There's probably an illegal term for what I am doing there, but I don't know what it is. But seriously. Over the course of this year I have currently got 31 free books. And they are good ones!

5. Speaking of school, it is going swell. This is always a hard time of year because we start feeling a little burned out but Spring Break is coming!! But the last couple months have really been fun. I feel like I was a big grouch for the first half of the school year because I was trying to train those kids and get them to behave. But we finally got it done and I feel like we understand each other better now. And probably I am still a big grouch but it really is a lot better and I have learned that being a grouch is worth it! The kids know when I mean business and they are respectful and we all just get along a lot better. We are starting our huge culminating research project and I am trying to take big, deep breaths because honestly this project is more work for me than for them. I need to find my chi or zen or whatever that word is so this project can be a good experience for everyone.
Also, I brought in some new beanbags for the reading corner and you would not believe the reactions I've gotten from the kids over a few beanbags. I have answered so many questions about them "Are they made out of pants?" (They look like jean material) "Why is your name on them?" (My grandma gave them to me for Christmas 10 years ago and I haven't sat in them since) "They have pockets!!" (Not a question, but they have decided that the pockets are probably for snacks.) Man, I really like these kids.

6. Kolton has been begging me to go with him on the roadbike. He says that since it's 50 degrees we should be good to go. I keep telling him to talk to me when it's closer to 70. Anyway, he took it yesterday to run some errands in town and had to admit that I was maybe right about the coldness factor. He said he was pretty frozen.

And that's my life lately! It feels good to get some of that out there.  

I should be embarrassed...

But since I have no shame, I am not. 

Over the last month I have attended two different dances that were definitely not held for my enjoyment. 

We had a 5th grade dance at school for an end of the trimester party. Mrs. Johansen taught the kids some ballroom and we had a little dance to show off their moves. It was hilarious and so, so fun.

I had the kids make some decorations and they dressed up all fancy like for the big day. This was the first dance the kids had been to so they were a little terrified once it started. The music was playing and the girls were sitting on one side of the gym with the boys on the opposite side all just staring at each other. 

That's when my annoying, bossy side came out. I started dragging kids out on the floor and telling them that if they didn't pick a partner in 10 seconds I was going to pick one for them. This scared most of them enough to go grab a girl. However, there were a few kids that I had to push to the girls side for every single song the entire dance. 

Along with the ballroom dancing we also did some fun songs like the Cotton Eye Joe and Cha Cha Slide which I just think are the most fun ever. 

Needless to say, by the end of the day I was a sweaty mess. I was trying to channel my inner Judy Polatis and also my inner Lewis Newman to make the dance fun. I was whooping and hollering and cheering and just really being embarrassing. If Kolton had been there I know he would have been hiding in a corner embarrassed to claim me. But I had fun and the kids had fun, so that's all that mattered. 

The next dance I attended was the Spring Youth Dance for the Beehives and Deacons. Again, I tried to channel my more fun side and also my bossy side got a lot of use. I was dragging kids out of the floor and dancing like a maniac and just really having a great time. The first dance I danced with Brevan who at the end of the dance as everyone was leaving the dance floor decided to try to dip me but had underestimated how heavy I am and promptly dropped me on my back in front of everyone. (I was a tiny bit embarrassed then.) 

Anyway, it was a good time and it made me remember how much I just love to dance. I miss going to high school or college dances with friends and just busting a move and not caring who saw. Now I have to live vicariously through other kids and try to make them have as much fun as I always did.