Part 4

Through all of that pain and heartache I was able to get through the rest of 2014. Not exactly in one piece, but I was still trudging. 

In December things got hard again. Each month after the miscarriage I would hope and hope and hope to see that positive test. But I was let down again and again. That much hope and let down is not good for a person. I was nearing my breaking point (I thought I had passed it a long time ago, but it just kept getting worse and worse). 

Christmas was hard. I (we) tried to be excited and happy, but it fell flat. We debated on even putting up a tree before we decided to try it, to see if it would lift our spirits. And maybe it did. But really, there wasn't a huge difference. Honestly, I felt like we just made it through the holidays. We put on a happy face and just faked it. A few days after Christmas when I was let down once again, I was nearing nervous breakdown status again. We headed to Island Park for the week and I sobbed (angry sobs) all the way up there, and most of the time that we were there. I wasn't feeling like I was even okay anymore. Now, more than ever, I needed that miracle. And guess what, it finally came. 

Mid-January after a lot of resisting ( I had given up taking pregnancy tests a LONG time ago) Kolton finally convinced me to take a test. And it was positive. I couldn't believe it. When I showed it to Kolton we both just looked at each other, not even daring to hope or really do more than give a small smile to each other. We were not celebrating and we didn't even really dare be happy or excited or make any plans at all. I didn't even try to count months to figure out when I was due for a looong time. We knew the disappointment and heartache that could easily follow this good turn and we weren't going to fall into it again. So we moved forward trying to feel nothing. But as days and weeks passed we started to feel good. Especially once we passed the dreaded 6 week mark (when I had miscarried before). 

My parents had been on a few vacations in January and I hadn't seen much of them. The first time I saw my mom in a few weeks she followed me into the bathroom while I was touching up my makeup and asked if I was pregnant. I denied it for a full 5 minutes before she broke me. She said she could just tell. I was happier. 

A few months later, Kolton was talking to Dave Spencer when he asked if we were expecting. He said that Michelle had noticed something different about me at Parent/ Teacher conference which had been not very long after we had found out. 

Now I am 18 weeks along and happy. It feels so good to be happy again, I had almost forgotten. I've always been a pretty positive and naturally cheerful person and it feels good to find that part of myself again. Because it was gone for a long time. We are doing good. I have been pretty sick which is hard and frustrating, but I finally came to the conclusion that I've been sick because it helps me not to worry. Being sick is a good sign that things are progressing normally and it really is comforting. I feel like I may have felt her a few times, but I don't really know yet. Nothing too regular or definite. 

So far our story has had a happy ending (or beginning, really) but my heart aches for those people who haven't received the blessing that we have. I hurt for them and pray for them always. This was the hardest thing I have ever gone through and for anyone that is currently going through it, I think of you constantly. Just know that you are never alone. 

And that's the end of my story for now. Hopefully I get telling some more upbeat and positive stories now that I've got that off my chest. Life is good!