Here I am.

Here I am, ready to write the longest and hopefully not too super depressing post. But I've been feeling like I needed to share my story for quite a while now. And that's why the posting has basically stopped. I can't write anything until I've written out what I need to. 

So, in light of our big, happy, life-changing news...

I feel like I have to share a little more about how we got here. Because it was not an easy journey. And while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I want to share so if anyone else is going through the same thing, they can maybe find some peace through reading my story. 

So we started talking about baby stuff in November of 2012. I went off birth control and we weren't necessarily "trying" but we definitely were not not trying. I figured it would happen within a couple months but those passed with nothing. Finally I started using ovulation predictor kits and never got a positive result. My biggest regret is waiting a year to see a doctor, but I felt like that's what was required. My second biggest regret is going to see the doctor that we chose. I wrote about that here

But after my surgery I was feeling much more peaceful. I felt like we had found the cause of the problem and miracle! I ovulated on my own (without any meds) for the first time ever! I was feeling good until the specialist we were seeing put me back on medication (Femara). I didn't feel right about this but figured he was a specialist and surely knew more about this than I did. Anyway, that stuff did a number on me. I can't remember how many rounds exactly that I did but it turned me into a psycho crazy person. I was moody and weepy and honestly just a real mess. 

One night in early August I had what I don't know what to call other than a nervous breakdown. I had been running to Rexburg about every other day for a couple days to do ultrasounds to track when I ovulated. Finally Shannon told me that I hadn't ovlulated that month and probably wouldn't. I felt like we were back to square one and had made NO progress, actually we had taken steps backward in the past few months. I was an emotional wreck all day long. I remember making about 15 loaves of zucchini bread trying to calm myself. It didn't work. And when I got in a baler that night and my mom called, it all came crashing down. I can't even explain it. I was sobbing and couldn't breathe (hyperventilating) and just a complete mess. My mom finally came and pulled me out of the baler and took me home to Kolton who, sweet soul that he is, had no idea what to do with me. 

That night and over the next few days we decided that we were DONE. No more doctor's visits, no more blood draws, and definitely no more medications. We were taking a complete break from everything until January. For the first time in a long time, I felt completely peaceful. Everything was good. I knew that it was right. And guess what else? I got pregnant.