Seeing that positive pregnancy test was a miracle. I remember it perfectly. It was September 19th and the best day ever. But even though seeing that little positive symbol made me over the moon happy, I wasn't completely over the moon happy. I had this teeny, tiny foreboding feeling that I quickly pushed away. I felt it was really a miracle that I was experiencing. The first month I quit seeing the doctors, I got pregnant. My due date would coincide exactly with the end of the school year. It was all perfect.
It was a happy two weeks. I was feeling better than I had in a LONG time. It was Spud Harvest and I was freezing carrots from my garden. I had been feeling uncomfortably, painfully crampy all day and when Kolton came home for a late lunch I went to the bathroom and saw a tiny bit of blood. I fell apart and we jumped in the car and sped to the doctor. It was a silent, scary ride. We got right in and as soon as they started the ultrasound Shannon said, "Oh! There's a heartbeat!" Immediately we felt super relieved and were able to leave the office with smiles.
Over the next few days I kept bleeding. And it progressively got worse and worse. One night I woke up at 2 am in a cold sweat and sobbed to Kolton about what would happen if we did lose the baby. I was eventually able to calm myself and go back to sleep.
I went to the doctor again a few days later because I was still bleeding. Again, there was a heartbeat and I felt hopeful. But at this appointment the doctor insisted on drawing blood to figure out my blood type. I thought this was odd but went with it. When I got home that night I was in serious pain for the next few hours until I finally miscarried. But even then we weren't sure. I was exhausted and quickly fell asleep but Kolton was awake and worried. The next morning we went to the doctor first thing to confirm what we really already knew, but hadn't really accepted.
From that point on, I felt anguish. Just pure despair. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed through the next two days. I couldn't get off the couch. I couldn't eat or sleep and when I tried to get up to do something to take my mind off of it I couldn't even stand up straight. So I just laid on the couch, miserable. Nothing anyone could do or say made me feel better. Kolton was upset too, but I was just in a whole other league of misery. I don't even like to think back to that time because it just makes me cry and wonder how I did it. And I didn't know how I was going to do it. I honestly wanted to die. I wished for it because I had no idea how I was going to make it through this.
On one of those first nights Kolton was outside dealing with his grief in a productive way (doing yard work) and I was in the house still unable to do anything. I remember laying on the bathroom floor and trying to pray. It came out as more of an angry yell, "Why did you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this? How am I going to move on? How will I ever be okay again?" I poured my soul out to Heavenly Father and let Him just how unhappy I was with Him. I blamed him for taking away my baby. And I just didn't know why.
As I was lying there, I was slowly able to calm down and stop the tears that hadn't quit flowing for two days. I felt a teeny, tiny bit of peace and I was able to pick myself up off the floor and take a tiny step forward. From that point on, each day got a little better. It was imperceptible at first, but looking back on those days, and weeks, and months I can see how it got better. I was able to go back to school and go to a friend's baby shower which I knew would be painful and had thought would be impossible.
I know, without a doubt, that I had the help of my Heavenly Father to pass through this trial. This experience reminds me so much of the story in Mosiah 24. The people of Alma are being persecuted by the Lamanites and cry unto the Lord. Here's a small part of that chapter:
13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
I can relate so much to this story. I can testify that I felt that strengthening process. I had this huge burden placed on me and it was more than I could bear. But as I continued to pray to Heavenly Father he strengthened me. He didn't take my burden away like I wanted Him to, but He strengthened me that I was able to bear it. This didn't happen overnight. It took a long time, but eventually I was able to be okay again. Not great, not even fine, but okay.
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