Be Still My Soul

Yesterday was my brother Brody's sixteenth birthday.

I just can't believe it's been nearly an entire year since I've laughed with him, teased him, or cuddled up with him to watch a movie.

I try to keep this blog lighthearted and silly and fun, but I've found out that sometimes life isn't lighthearted or silly or fun.

It's hard.

and painful.

and heartbreaking.

I never could have imagined the pain that my family and I have dealt with in losing Brody. It is inconceivable to me how quickly life can change and that my heart can actually physcially ache. 

I think back to the person I was a year ago and how different I am today. I feel like because of all that I have learned and experienced, I can never go back to the carefree person that I was.

That's not necessarily a bad thing.

While I wish every day that my family hadn't had to go through this trial, I also treasure the lessons that I've learned, and the changes I've seen in my family.

I feel more empathy and compassion towards those who are suffering. Instead of staying away from seemingly awkward, emotional, painful situations, I'm no longer afraid to jump in and do what I can to relieve someone else's suffering. I only know to do this because of all the wonderful examples I've had that have helped me and given me comfort and strength.

  I am constantly left in awe of how thoughtful and kind people are. So many people have blessed my life that I can't even begin to list the names. I just hope I can become what they have been to me.

Brody was the perfect little brother.

He did anything anyone asked him without complaint. He'd simply nod his head and you knew it would get done.

Working on the farm, I always relied on him to explain things to me. When my dad would tell me to do something and I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to be doing, iIwould call Brody. He would explain the whole process in language I could understand, step by step. When he would finish the explanation he would always say, "Well I think that's what you do. I don't really know though..."

But he always did know.

One summer Brody and I were put in charge of replacing all the lightbulbs on the pivots. I loved riding around with him in the pickup or on the fourwheeler with our arms full of lightbulbs. He was just so easy to get along with and I always had a great time with him.

I loved to laugh and tease with him. One of my last and most treasured memories with Brody was last year on his birthday. I had just gotten home from a vacation with Kolton's family and my dad and Brody had just gotten home from the temple. 

My dad, Brody and I jumped in the pickup and were driving around the farm. I can't remember a time that I have laughed that hard. We were teasing each other, sharing stories, and just having a great time, us three in the work pickup. I can't even remember what was so funny now, but at the time I just felt like I was on top of the world.

I think Brody always felt a little sorry for his loser older sister in highschool when I would stay home on Friday nights and watch movies by myself. He began joining me and even though it was always a sappy chick flick on the screen, he would sit through the whole thing. We would share a blanket and bag of buttery popcorn. I remember putting a movie in and hearing Brody come down the stairs. I told him what I was watching and he replied, "Oh, I haven't seen that one yet" and he sat down beside me and suffered through it. Last summer my sister had some friends over and they and Brody were watching The Singles Ward. Kolton had come over that night and by the time he left the kids were well into the movie and all the girls were asleep. I probably really should have just gone to bed because it was late, but I decided to join them. All the couches were taken so I made Brody share the recliner with me. We were squished on that chair just laughing and laughing at that silly movie.

I could go on and on with all the fun memories we have made and even though I sometimes feel like I am still in shock over what has happened, I am so grateful that I was able to spend so much time with Brody and make so many memories with him.

In high school I remember talking to a boy and telling him that I was going to be spending that weekend at home with my family. He couldn't believe that I would rather spend time with my family than try to get something together with my friends. Even back then, I knew how important family is and that when all is said and done, they're really all you've got.

I miss Brody and I still shed tears over his loss; I probably always will. However, I know.  I know  without a shadow of a doubt that I will see him again. I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that created the plan for us so that we can live with our families once again. This knowledge has become increasingly important to me and I'm so grateful for it. Until that day comes, I will keep myself busy doing good to others and trying to lift them up out of their sorrow and trials. I will attend the temple often because if Brody can't be here with me, I'm going to do all that I can to keep him busy.

In times of sadness or when i just need a hymn playing in my head, I think of these words and they always bring me comfort and peace:

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.