Be Still My Soul

Yesterday was my brother Brody's sixteenth birthday.

I just can't believe it's been nearly an entire year since I've laughed with him, teased him, or cuddled up with him to watch a movie.

I try to keep this blog lighthearted and silly and fun, but I've found out that sometimes life isn't lighthearted or silly or fun.

It's hard.

and painful.

and heartbreaking.

I never could have imagined the pain that my family and I have dealt with in losing Brody. It is inconceivable to me how quickly life can change and that my heart can actually physcially ache. 

I think back to the person I was a year ago and how different I am today. I feel like because of all that I have learned and experienced, I can never go back to the carefree person that I was.

That's not necessarily a bad thing.

While I wish every day that my family hadn't had to go through this trial, I also treasure the lessons that I've learned, and the changes I've seen in my family.

I feel more empathy and compassion towards those who are suffering. Instead of staying away from seemingly awkward, emotional, painful situations, I'm no longer afraid to jump in and do what I can to relieve someone else's suffering. I only know to do this because of all the wonderful examples I've had that have helped me and given me comfort and strength.

  I am constantly left in awe of how thoughtful and kind people are. So many people have blessed my life that I can't even begin to list the names. I just hope I can become what they have been to me.

Brody was the perfect little brother.

He did anything anyone asked him without complaint. He'd simply nod his head and you knew it would get done.

Working on the farm, I always relied on him to explain things to me. When my dad would tell me to do something and I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to be doing, iIwould call Brody. He would explain the whole process in language I could understand, step by step. When he would finish the explanation he would always say, "Well I think that's what you do. I don't really know though..."

But he always did know.

One summer Brody and I were put in charge of replacing all the lightbulbs on the pivots. I loved riding around with him in the pickup or on the fourwheeler with our arms full of lightbulbs. He was just so easy to get along with and I always had a great time with him.

I loved to laugh and tease with him. One of my last and most treasured memories with Brody was last year on his birthday. I had just gotten home from a vacation with Kolton's family and my dad and Brody had just gotten home from the temple. 

My dad, Brody and I jumped in the pickup and were driving around the farm. I can't remember a time that I have laughed that hard. We were teasing each other, sharing stories, and just having a great time, us three in the work pickup. I can't even remember what was so funny now, but at the time I just felt like I was on top of the world.

I think Brody always felt a little sorry for his loser older sister in highschool when I would stay home on Friday nights and watch movies by myself. He began joining me and even though it was always a sappy chick flick on the screen, he would sit through the whole thing. We would share a blanket and bag of buttery popcorn. I remember putting a movie in and hearing Brody come down the stairs. I told him what I was watching and he replied, "Oh, I haven't seen that one yet" and he sat down beside me and suffered through it. Last summer my sister had some friends over and they and Brody were watching The Singles Ward. Kolton had come over that night and by the time he left the kids were well into the movie and all the girls were asleep. I probably really should have just gone to bed because it was late, but I decided to join them. All the couches were taken so I made Brody share the recliner with me. We were squished on that chair just laughing and laughing at that silly movie.

I could go on and on with all the fun memories we have made and even though I sometimes feel like I am still in shock over what has happened, I am so grateful that I was able to spend so much time with Brody and make so many memories with him.

In high school I remember talking to a boy and telling him that I was going to be spending that weekend at home with my family. He couldn't believe that I would rather spend time with my family than try to get something together with my friends. Even back then, I knew how important family is and that when all is said and done, they're really all you've got.

I miss Brody and I still shed tears over his loss; I probably always will. However, I know.  I know  without a shadow of a doubt that I will see him again. I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that created the plan for us so that we can live with our families once again. This knowledge has become increasingly important to me and I'm so grateful for it. Until that day comes, I will keep myself busy doing good to others and trying to lift them up out of their sorrow and trials. I will attend the temple often because if Brody can't be here with me, I'm going to do all that I can to keep him busy.

In times of sadness or when i just need a hymn playing in my head, I think of these words and they always bring me comfort and peace:

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I am addicted...

To books on tape.

Seriously, whoever thought of that idea is a hero in my book.

It all started when I was driving back and forth from Provo every weekend to see my lover boy.

The radio got real old real quick and I just flipped through station after station trying to find something I could stand, let alone listen to, for the four+ hours I was stuck in the car.

Ppeaking of which, I had a really awesome weekend routine down by the end of the semester. I'd pack up before class, go to class, run all the way home from class {that got me a few funny looks}, bid my roommates goodbye, jump in the car, and head straight for one of three things {or sometimes all three}

1. Jamba Juice where I'd get a Pumpkin Smash smoothie {tastes just like punkin pie. so awesome}

2. IN-N-OUT where I'd get myself a burger, some fries, and sometimes a strawberry milkshake to munch on for the ride home.

3. The gas station. Me and that Chevron became mighty good friends that semester. I came to know the cashier that worked there and he came to recognize me as the loser that went home every weekend.

And since I was already in the gas station, I may as well pick out some treats! My favorite road-trippin- it- home treats were those sour patch watermelon things, or these Lifesaver berry ring sour gummy things.

It was an awesome routine if only because of all the food.

I digress....

So after I'd go about this routine and jump back into the car with all my goodies, it was a long drive all by my lonesome.

Then, one weekend I went to visit my grandparents to say goodbye before I was headed back to Provo and my grandpa lent me a book on tape to listen to.

The addiction was born.

I loved the idea that I could be reading and driving at the same time. {it really is awesome}

Now I make the hour drive to Rexburg twice a week. Luckily, I remembered the lesson I'd learned on my Provo drives so I went through my mom's stack of books on tape and when I had depeleted those, I headed down to my local library.

I forgot about how great local libraries can be.

You go, check out books, and you can read all you want without paying a cent!

It's beautiful, really.

Luckily I discovered that this local library also had hundreds of books on tape.

I'll tell you what, I was in heaven right there.

So for the last four months, every week or two or three {depending on how long that book was} I've gone into the library and picked out a new book to listen to.

It's made the two hour drive {round trip} much more enjoyable.

And I feel like I've learned so much!

That sounds nerdy, but it's true.

I listened to the biography of John Nash, the inspiration for the movie A Beautiful Mind.

I listened to my first Louis L'Amour book and actually liked it.

I learned about the "Hole-in-the-Rock pioneers" in the book The Undaunted.

I've listened to many inspiring books about how to be a better person {I probably need a few more of those}

and I even listened to one of those sappy Mormon mystery/romance novels.

I've really come to enjoy the drives to Rexburg because with a book in my cd player, they don't seem nearly so long or boring or full of sagebrush because my mind is somewhere far away.

you ever have that feeling...

That sinking, pit in your stomach kind of feeling? 

The one where after you've been working on a big project for x amount of hours, you're proud of what you've gotten accomplished, you exit out of the program, and right as you click that little red button, you try to remember if all of that x amount of hours work was saved?

 Today was my turn.

And my 3+ hours of work was not saved.

lovely.

let's ride!

This weekend we got together with a few other couples, gathered up a few Harleys, got suited up in our leathers, and went for a lovely little ride.

We had a ball!

The group: Breezie & Matt, Tyson & Kate, Me & Kolton, Andra & Marshall

We had been planning this little trip for a while so when Friday came we were running around getting everything ready to go. We borrowed my dad's bike and all my parent's gear. We met up with the other couples in Terreton and headed to Ashton. We stopped by Mesa Falls and it was SO beautiful!

I had never been there in the summer and Kolton had never been there ever so it was a nice little stop. Then we headed up towards Island Park. We were going to stay at Bitter's cabin that night but we went to West Yellowstone first to grab something to eat. We ate at the cutest little fifties diner, The Canyon Street Grill, I think is what it's called. Then we headed back to the cabin. As we were driving home the sun was setting and all I could see were silhouettes of pine trees and the back of Kolton's head. And it was just SO beautiful! I loved that part. 

At the cabin we played a few games and just chatted before heading to bed. I don't know why, but we were all so tired! Biking is hard work, I guess! I don't know about everyone else, but sitting behind Kolton and being a backseat driver really wears me out.

The next day we headed for Yellowstone Park. Kolton hadn't been there in forever either so it was a nice ride. We saw a ton of buffalo-big herds and then just lone buffalo sitting on the side of the highway. They were huge ugly suckers and it was fun to see them so up close and personal.

We had to take a picture of our leather chaps. We felt kind of silly getting all dolled up because we are nowhere near profession/hard core bikers and we felt like wannabe's but the leather gear was so nice and kept us warm and gave us a little protection from the wind. So it was worth feeling silly.

We all started to get a little crampy and had to stop every hour or so.

We saw this neat waterfall right off the side of the road so we stopped to take a few pictures.

After we left Yellowstone, we headed to Jackson. It was a long, long ride and I was ready to get off the bike. But we were all hungry so we were trying to get there quick and not take any more stops. Luckily we had an awesome view of the Tetons to distract us. Those things are huge and rugged! And were just right there in front of us. It was an awesome view.

We finally got there and ate lunch. We stopped once more to get square ice cream in Swan Valley. I think that place is so funny because everyone makes a big deal out of it and it's just a dinky little gas station with a ice cream scoop that happens to be square. I just can't believe how busy it always is! After that last stop we made our way home. We had such a good time, but it was also nice to be home. We are excited for the next trip! 

my kitchen is infested with fruit flies and other pressing matters



It's true.

I don't know exactly what happened while we were away celebrating the fourth but there must have been some kind of party because we have about five million of these nasty, teensy, buggy, little flies that are everywhere and in everything and are driving me absolutely insane.

Kolton insists that they are fruit flies {I tried to tell him that we don't exactly live in the Amazon...but whatever}. I don't exactly know what species of bug they are, I just know that I want them out.

Preferably soon.

I've spent the last two days with a flyswatter handy squishing as many of the little nasties as I can. Unfortunately, I'm not a real good aim so I mostly manage to swing and swing and don't manage to get any.

But I'm working on it...and my aim is slowly improving.

On another note.

We have this tree in our backyard. We had the same kind of trees at my elementary school. Right about the time school would let out, these trees would get all leafy and cotton-y. I don't know what the deal was, but the trees would shed this cotton-like stuff. For the last few weeks of school as we were out at recess or headed to the bus we could look up and there would be cotton floating down from these trees as gracefully as snow, or rolling across the schoolyard in big balls of cotton-y goodness. 

I thought it was quite charming, and was rather disappointed when just a few years ago these trees got cut down.

Now that I have my own tree...I completely understand.

The other morning I was weeding the garden when a breeze picked up. The breeze knocked some of the cotton out of my tree and soon I was inhaling cotton through my nose.

It was highly uncomfortable.

Now all the cotton is completely gone from the tree and is scattered all over my yard. 

It's not quite so charming anymore.



Also...

This weekend we celebrated the fourth. It was quite lovely.

We were with my family in Island Park, and spent most of the time on the boat. We had a really nice time. It was so enjoyable, in fact, that we didn't even think about reapplying our sunscreen.

Now we are paying for our weekend in the sun.

Holy mackerel we have got some sore and sunburned bodies!

We're just sticky from all the aloe vera we've been gooping on, and I don't know that it's helping all that much.

I guess that's the price we gotta pay for having fun.

I'm feeling even more punished because I skipped my classes in favor of staying on the lake, and I'm sunburned worse than Kolton.

We definitely learned our lesson.

christmas break part 2

I found out rather quickly that Kolton is a man of his word.

It wasn't too long after our Sunday date that he called me up for another. We got together with some friends, Andra and Marshall, Laken and Skyler, and took fourwheelers up into the mountains to find some trails. There was a ton of snow, but we didn't let that slow us down. We went about as far as we could and then discovered a big hill that was completely covered in ice. We took advantage of the gigantic slip-n-slide and just really had a nice time sliding down the hill on our bellies, the seats of the fourwheelers, and whatever else we could find, then trying to climb back up. It was really a lot of fun.

Soon it got dark and we headed back to Marshall's house to have dinner.

We had met up with everyone at Skyler's house, so Kolton and I were going to jump in our own pickup to head up to Marshall's.

To digress a little, I'd like to take a moment to discuss the barrier of the center console in a pickup. On all of our previous dates, and for that matter, on the way to Skyler's house; the center console had stayed down and we had sat in our own separate seats on our own separate sides of the pickup. When we arrived back at Skyler's house however, Kolton had gone to warm up the pickup and when I finally opened the door of the pickup, I was alarmed to find the center console up and the expanse of the large center seat staring me straight in the eye. I panicked just a little bit....

What do I DO? Do I sit on MY side of the pickup? Do I dare put the console back down? Will I seem too forward if I sit in the middle? Did he do this on purpose?

All of these questions and a million more were racing through my brain.

So I did the only logical thing I could think of to do.

I sat half of me on the middle seat, and half of me on the far seat.

It was quite uncomfortable, and as we were driving, I could see Kolton sneaking peeks at me and my uncomfortable situation and the awkward way I handled it.

Finally he looked me in the eye and said,

"You can come sit by me if you want"

So I did.

And it was a huge improvement from the previous seating arrangement. :)

When we arrived at Marshall's we immediately got to work preparing a dutch oven meal Kolton had planned. Needless to say,  three hours later, the potatoes were still crunchy. I don't know what went wrong, but that stuff just didn't want to cook and Kolton was getting more and more embarrassed as the hours passed. Inside the other couples were playing games and I went outside to sit with Kolton on the step as we watched the potatoes and tried to figure out what went wrong.

 As we were sitting out there we talked a little bit, but mostly just sat in a comfortable silence. It was nice. and I felt like it dispelled a lot of the still-lingering awkwardness of our new friendship/relationship or whatever it was at that stage. That seems really strange, but I think it was just that we were sitting together and finally felt comfortable around each other and didn't have to struggle to think of things to say. Like I said, it was nice.

Finally we decided we couldn't wait any longer to eat so we scarfed it down, crunchy potatoes and all.

After dinner we went to watch a movie.

Kolton sat on the couch and I just snuggled myself up next to him. Looking back, I just can't believe how all of that happened so quickly. It just felt comfortable and I didn't even think twice about it.

That could have also been because I was dead tired.I zonked out shortly after the movie started and didn't wake up until Kolton was shaking me and telling me it was time to leave. I had been leaning on his shoulder and he had gotten up, packed up the pickup and was ready to go before I finally woke up. That was slightly embarrassing but mostly funny. He'd plum wore me out!

When he dropped me off at my door we said our good-byes and I was thoroughly looking forward to seeing him again.

a word about camping

So last weekend was the big Hansen family reunion. I have spent the last week trying to recover, and therefore haven't been able to write about it. {Not really. I was just searching for my camera in order to show some pictures of the lovely ordeal}

We packed up our bags and headed up to Montana to meet up with the whole fam damily.

And just so you know....I am not a camper. As in, I never go camping and don't really understand how someone could call "leaving-all-of-life's-modern-conveniences" a vacation. But nevertheless, I went.

And had a pretty good time, I must say.

The ride up there was nice. We left modern civilization and kept heading deeper and deeper into sagebrush covered hills when we finally turned a corner and before us lay a beautiful, tree-covered oasis. (seriously-in all that sagebrush it really did look like an oasis...minus the palm trees)

We drove and drove and drove and finally pulled up to the lovely campsite. I'll tell you what, I have never been so happy to see an outhouse in my life. Kolton had been tormenting me about what particular modern conveniences we would have to leave behind (read: toilets) and I was just a bit nervous. However, when we pulled into the campsite and I saw that outhouse, my outlook on the weekend brightened considerably.

Anyway...

Kolton and I went to scout out a campsite to pitch our tent and stumbled onto the prettiest little clearing we ever did see! It was a little ways away from the rest of the camp but there were trees and a little creek running right by the perfect place to pitch our tent. We just couldn't pass up that prime real estate.

That night we just visited with the family that showed up and tried to warm up by the fire. When we went back to the tent it was seriously freezing. Camping is cold, I figured out real quick. The whole weekend I had layers upon layers upon layers of clothes on. It was super attractive.

The next day we played some minute to win it games which were hilarious. The best part about them was that I went up against Kolton twice and beat him twice. He couldn't believe I'd beat him. It was a sweet, sweet victory.

For one of the games we had to stick a popsicle stick out of our mouth and stack five dice on it. Harder than it sounds. The second game we played, we each got a box of Kleenex and using one hand, had to pull every single Kleenex from the box. Holy cow, my hand was cramped by the time I got done but it was SO fun! There were lots of other games that everyone got to play and for me, that was the best part of the weekend.

Kolton also jumped on these stilts and had a few accidents...

He biffed it hard a few times and came away with a few battle wounds

That morning about the time we started playing games it also started raining.

It rained, and rained, and rained and I don't think it stopped until we pulled out of camp the next day. But we didn't let that put a damper on our plans! We went on a few motorbike and razr rides just around to explore, ate a lot of real good food, played some games, and just had a nice time chatting with family and trying to stay at least a little warm/dry {didn't really succeed in that department}.

I believe Kolton's favorite part of the weekend was the night before we went home, they passed out a few awards and he was given this:

He was quite proud of it.

On Sunday we had a little church meeting and then packed up and headed home. It was a fun weekend, but I was sure glad to be home, be warm, and take a long, hot shower.

All in all, I decided camping is pretty alright.