If I Only Had A Brain

1. I did a really, really, REALLY stupid thing the other day. So stupid that it makes me want to punch myself in the face. 

So days before we were getting married, Kolton and I were driving to the wedding dress store to pick up my dress when I mentioned to Kolton that I needed to find some earrings for the big day. 

He sat in silence for a minute and then said, "Hey, reach back in my coat in the inside pocket." 

I did as he asked and found in my hand a beautiful little bag and inside the little bag were some gorgeous diamond earrings. The diamonds were fake but the 24 ct. gold surrounding them was not.

I about died over what a thoughtful gift this was. He told me he had planned on giving them to me as a wedding gift and at a little more opportune time, but didn't want me marching in the store and buying some earrings when he already had some. 

Note the earrings...

Fast forward a couple years of me wearing those earrings ALL THE TIME. 

I wore them constantly and hardly ever took them out. 

The other day I was in the shower and was busy shampooing when I heard a little ding sound. I looked down and there on the shower floor were two little dark dots. I had a minor freak out because I realized I had forgotten to check the shower for spiders when I got in and now there were two dead spiders right by my feet. 

So I used my foot and pushed and pushed and pushed with water until those two little black things went down the drain. One was being a little stubborn, but with a little more effort, it eventually went down the drain too. 

I then shuddered a little bit at the thought of a spider being in such close proximity to me and continued with the shampooing. 

When I got out of the shower I was combing through my hair when I noticed I was missing an earring. 

Almost immediately I realized what had happened and I just wanted to die/punch myself for being so stupid. 

Oh I just felt awful (and still feel really awful) and I checked down the drain but it was long gone. So I pulled myself together and called Kolton.

"Um...I did a really really REALLY stupid thing just barely..." was how I prefaced my story. Then I proceeded to tell him all about it. 

He let out an audible sigh and said, "Oh, that's all? I thought you had wrecked the car (he didn't say "again" but I know that's what he was thinking. But that's a story for another day) It's okay." 

And that was basically the end of the conversation.  He teased me about it a little when he got home but I still just get a pit in my stomach every time I think about it. 

When I say I have impetuous tendencies do you now see what I mean? 

never in a million years.

Since I'm like, super old and mature now I've been thinking lately about things I did as a kid. To be exact, things I did as a kid that I would never in a million years consider doing now that I'm older and wiser and not so brave.

1. The goldfish incident

I had always, always, always wanted a goldfish and my lucky day came when I was about seven or eight years old (a little fuzzy on the time line-I'm judging these stories by their bravery content as I became less brave as I got older). 

Shortly thereafter, it was time to clean little Goldie's tank. Somehow-still not quite sure how- little Goldie ended up out of her safe fishbowl and down our kitchen sink-or to be exact- down the garbage disposal.

We all sat in awe of what happened and spent a fair amount of time just staring down that ominous drain wondering what Goldie's fate had been.  

Then someone came up with the brilliant idea that we could just....fish her out.

I shudder to think of this, but I volunteered and stuck my hand down the slimy garbage disposal looking for that dang fish.

Soon enough, among all the other gross shtuff, my hand came upon a slippery little fish. I scooped her right up and put her back in her fishbowl.

yuck.

yuck, yuck, yuck.
Ughh...just thinking of this story gives me the shivery-shudders

2. Horny toads.
I don't know if anyone else calls them by that name, or if anyone else would even know what I'm talking about, but when I was younger, my cousins and I would spend hours among the sagebrush (which was probably tick-infested) searching for these nasty, dry, toad-y things. I just have to document this because now there is no way I would ever dare go galavanting off into the  (tick-infested) sagebrush searching for gross little toadies.
Just so you know.

3. The cat whisper-er
Confession: I like cats.
Like a lot.
Like maybe more than i like dogs.
And I especially like little baby kitties-of course, who doesn't?
Anyway- when I was a wee one, probably about eleven years old we had a kitty (don't remember her name. we went through a lot of cats) and then our kitty had kitties.
It was the middle of winter and our kitty's kitties were in our milk barn which is just a fancy name for the shop that's about thirty yards from our house. So one day-on really blustery, really nasty, really snowdrift-y, really just-want-to-stay-in-your-house-and-drink-hot-chocolate day -I noticed that our kitty was sitting on the back step and not with her kitties in the milk barn.
The kitty was shiv-shiv-shivering and I could tell all she wanted was to be with her kitties in the milk barn, But alas! You couldn't even see the milk barn for all the blowing snow.
So I did a brave and noble thing.
Probably the only brave and noble thing I've ever done in my entire life.
I put my coat on.
my hat on.
my boots on.
my gloves on.
my snowpants on.
my ski mask on.
another coat on.
in other words...
I got all bundled up.
Went outside, scooped up my kitty, and braved the elements to take her to the milk barn.
I busted some serious drifts and was freezing cold, but we made it to the milk barn.
When we got there, I put the kitty down and she ran over to her kitties all huddled in the straw we had laid out for them.
I sat down on a straw bale and decided that I was probably never going to go outside ever again.
After my kitty tended to her kitties, she spent the next hour twisting around my legs, back, lap, purring all the while, thanking me in her kitty way- at least that's how I interpreted it.
And I told her that she was welcome and that I was glad she liked me because I was probably going to be around for awhile on account of I was probably never going to go outside ever again.


And those, my friends, are the only three brave things I've done in my entire life that I probably wouldn't ever in a million years do now.
Except for maybe the kitty one- because even though I've become disillusioned with goldfish and horny toads, I still mostly like kitties.
Mostly.

sometimes we argue part II

1. whether our alarm clock is nerdy.

When we went household item shopping, Kolton was bound and determined to get an alarm clock that projects on the ceiling.

 I just looked at him.

when we finally did reach the alarm clock aisle and finally did find the projecting kind, I had other battles I wanted to fight (like getting a meat mallet, or our darling shower curtain that was maybe a little more spendy than a shower curtain should be) so I gave this one up pretty easily and let him put 'er in the cart. However, he did get a little teasing about the nerdiness factor of a projecting alarm clock.

He protested about how neat it is to be able to just open your eyes, look at the ceiling, and know what time it was.

I still thought it was nerdy.

And even though I still think it's pretty nerdy, it is pretty handy as well. Kolton's reasoning did win out in the end and I've grown accustomed to our nerdiness.

2. Whether to deactivate the seat belt chimes in our cars.

Do you know what i'm talking about? When you don't put on your seat buckle and the car beeps and beeps and beeps at you until you finally break down and buckle up?

Kolton has been fighting me on this one because Honda got really serious about their seat belt chimes and instead of a pleasant sound we get an annoying buzzing/beeping that goes off every other second.

But I know that if I give in and let him deactivate the beeping/buzzing he will NEVER wear his seat buckle.

So I hold strong and it's a hot topic every time we climb in the car.

3. If potatoes count as a vegetable. I'm not a real big fan of vegetables.
Actually, I don't like them one little bit.
Kolton may not be a huge fan of vegetables, but he insists that we have at least one serving per day.
That results in us eating a lot of corn
(cause I do like corn. a whole lot.)
But sometimes Kolton gets kinda sick of corn all the time, so he tries to open up a can of beans.
To which I say, blech.
(beans are not my favorite. I'll eat em but...they're not my favorite)
So in our many discussions about the need for vegetables in our diet I've brought up the fact that we eat a lot of potatoes.
(like a lot of potatoes)
So our vegetable quota is filled,
checked off,
donezo.
But Kolton can't just be happy with this.
Then he goes and has to insist that potatoes don't actually count as vegetables and that we have to add a little more green to our palate.
It's an ongoing discussion.

4. The amount of hours a person can legally spend doing homework. 
Especially how much homework should be allowed to be done on the weekends.
I've always seen the weekends as a blessed reprieve, not a time to get all caught up and then overachieve and get ahead for the next week.
I also haven't maintained a 4.0 since the second grade.
hmmm...
Nonetheless, I am constantly begging Kolton to just give it up already and play with me since we're gone to school all day and then he has to come home and lock himself in solitary confinement (the extra bedroom) and compute silly biochemistry problems.
Really, no one will be happier than me when he finally graduates.

5. What constitutes as "dinner"
Just to set the record straight, I don't try to force my strange eating habits on Kolton.
However, when he is gone or has already eaten, dinner for me, myself, is quite the adventure.
I have always not enjoyed cooking for one.
It just seems like such a waste. especially considering my aversion to leftovers.
So when I only have myself to look after, anything in the kitchen is fair game. (except for like, the fridge magnets of course)
When I was at BYU, a sleeve of Ritz and a bag of popcorn would make a fine feast.
(thank heavens my roommates staged an intervention and we all started rotating cooking for each other during the week. who knows what I would have resorted to without their meals)
So when certain circumstances arise and Kolton is gone or has already eaten for some reason, I just have no desire to cook.
Or even be in the kitchen for more than five seconds.
It just takes too much effort.
So instead I'll hunt around for a box of crackers and maybe some fruit snacks and call 'er good.
Then I'll tell Kolton about it and he'll shake his head at me and inform me that whatever I just consumed doesn't actually count as dinner and that I failed on my daily nutritional value for the day (what's new?)
But you know what?
I kinda think a bag of popcorn for dinner is good for a person every once in a while.
It just adds a little spontaneity to your life.

sometimes we argue...

about...

1. Who gets to do the dishes.

This usually results in Kolton boxing me out so I can't reach the sink.

2. Which brand of toothpaste is better.

 I say Colgate because it has a flip lid.

He's a Crest man.

3. Along with that, the quintessential squeeze-from-the-bottom argument.

Kolton is a little crazy about this. He insists that our toothpaste be squeezed paper thin before we even think about throwing it away.

Toothpaste is not something that I lose sleep over at night.

4. Whether or not I'm a good driver.

My opinion on this matter varies from day to day. When he comments on my awful driving skills I look at him in astonishment and indignation. However, when we are going somewhere and he hints that I should drive, I insist that it's too dangerous for me to do so.

5. Who should eat the leftovers. 

I have a deep and abiding aversion to leftovers. Kolton says that I just haven't ever gone hungry. (which is true) I just can't stand the smell of the food the next day or the condensation on the lid.  

The last time we had this conversation we made a deal that we each had to eat half of the leftover Hamburger Helper (which wasn't actually that appetizing when it was fresh) and then could make whatever else we wanted. Sure enough, when I made it home for lunch the contents of the container were split right down the middle.

6. Whether or not pepperoni pizza is delicious or disgusting.

Kolton has an aversion to pepperoni pizza. He says it's too greasy or something like that. I myself, have never had a problem with it.

and... 

7.Why in the heck I would buy shoes I can't walk in.

I don't actually know the answer to that one.

As you can see...

Life is pretty good.

yesterday: part 1 of 2

Yesterday was a good day. So good that it deserves a two part post. Just so you know.

So the very first Sunday we attended our married ward, we waltzed into Sunday School and the first thing I noticed was that a couple was team teaching the lesson.

From that moment on I just knew that Kolton and I were going to have that job.

Call it revelation or what you will- but sure enough, we spent last week preparing our own Sunday School lesson.

And I was nervous as all get-out.

But we talked about it and prepared and shared together so I felt like it was going to be okay.So we show up to church and when Sunday School rolls around we're busy getting the room ready and everyone is filing in.

So we start the lesson, Kolton was in charge of giving the first part, but I introduced us.

"Hey, we're the Hansen's. we've been married since December. We're from Monteview. And we live in apartment #1702."

Not quite sure where that last bit came from, but it was the only thing I could think of! Kolton snickered a little bit beside me, so I wrapped up the rest of the intro real quick.

So Kolton starts the lesson, and I sit reverently and quietly behind him.

Pretty soon I realize that the room is getting a titch warm. So my palms start getting sweaty-or should I say sweaty-er than they already were-and before long the front of my skirt is about soaked from my palms attempting to dry themselves.

Then it's my turn.

I get up there and pretty soon my knees and toes are fidgety and my hands are shaky, but I tried to keep my voice intact, and avoided picking up the manual for fear that it would be fluttering uncontrollably.

And it gets worse.

By then, the room is nearing sauna-like temperatures, and the faucets turn on.

I'm referring, of course, to the faucets located underneath my arms.

I'm so nervous that I don't dare ask someone to crack a window, so I continue talking as if nothing out of the ordinary is occuring in my body.

While, in fact, very un-ordinary things are occuring in my body. I was just telling Kolton the other day how i never sweat. I had to gobble up those words.

so I glue my arms to the sides and thank the heavens and all my guardian angels that I wore a dark, patterned blouse to church that day. (a blouse that is soon going to be shipped to the dry cleaners). I'm also semi-grateful that I chose to wear nylons, because even though they are horribly uncomfortable and sticky, at least I don't have sweat running down my legs (which is a very uncomfortable feeling, as anyone else that has ever experienced that will tell you)

But amid all these troubles, I somehow was able to muddle through the rest of the lesson. After it was over, I collapsed in my chair to give my shaky legs a break.

Then I scurried to the ladies room to assess the damage.

It wasn't noticeably too terribly bad. But I was pretty excited to get home. Especially to remove the hot, sticky nylons.

Ive got two weeks to recover before I have to do that again.
Oh dear.

the lemon chicken penne incident

I used to think I was a pretty good cook. Okay, so let me rephrase that...I knew I was a pretty good cook. The only disclaimer is that I'm only a good cook with the four total recipes that I have mastered.

Other than those four recipes, I ain't got nothin.

You can imagine how this is a rather large problem since I am now cooking dinner almost every night and using the same four recipes can be a little tiresome. 

So I decided to branch out. 

"It can't be too hard" I told myself "it's just following a recipe"

turns out,
it is hard.

I will now recount to you the lemon chicken penne incident of last Sunday:

I was super pumped because in my search to branch out I had found a recipe online for a lemon chicken penne. 

The pictures looked delicious,

The instructions were simple enough,

"Why not?" I asked myself. 

So I ran down to the grocery store, gathered up the ingredients and was good to go. 

I had to marinate the chicken for 24 hours in lemon juice, among other things so I got right to work. 

Soon the marinade was ready and the chicken went into the fridge.

All night I thought about what a delicious meal we were going to be having the next day, I might have even dreamed about it. 

I was going to invite my cousin and his love interest over for dinner because I was so confident in my meal, but somehow that didn't end up working out.

So Sunday rolls around, we get out of church and I rush home to get started on my masterpiece. 

I followed the directions exactly and before too long it was finished!

So we set ourselves a pretty table and dished up the piece de resistance (I don't know how to spell in French, but you get what I mean)

After one bite and some thoughtful chewing, we looked at each other.

After the second bite we gulped down some water real fast after swallowing,

and after the third bite, the whole bowl of pasta went right into the garbage can.

Bummer.
It had potential, it really did. But holy cow, talk about lemon. Waaayyy too much lemony goodness for our liking.

Luckily I had stuck some biscuits in the oven, so our Sunday dinner (you know, that one you look forward to all week) consisted of biscuits. And they weren't even homemade.

ohhh, I am a failure.

before i dash to class...

I gotta be quick lickety split on this story but I promised I would share and....a promise is a promise.

so.

When dear Kolton and I went to sign our marriage license we were all nervous and giddy and trying to sign our names just right and neatly (okay, so maybe that was just me) when a couple walks in behind us and sidles up to the desk right next to us.

"We're getting married!" the man announced. "We just talked to the judge, he said to sign us a marriage license and he'll marry us today." (all of this was said in a country twangy accent, by the way)

These folks must have been known in the county courthouse because there were congratulations all around. with comments of them needing to buy a big Thanksgiving table to fit all of their newfound family around it.

So the receptionist started to rustle up some papers and they got to signing.

I was peeking over Kolton's shoulder at this funny couple and noticed the soon to be bride just texting away (letting all her friends now she's getting married in about ten minutes, I'm guessing)

We left soon after that so we didn't get to see much more of this couple. But I'll have to admit.....I was a little jealous of them. As we walked out to the pickup I tried to convince Kolton to just let us go down to the courthouse and get married that afternoon.

But he was having none of that.

And I was kidding of course.....well, kinda.

Now don't anyone worry-We're not going to elope anytime soon. It sounds tempting, but we will resist. We already paid the decorator. (hee hee)

We'll just wait nineteen looong more days. (NINETEEN!!! holy mackerel!)

And we'll see ya on December 21st!

And now I'm off to interior design!

obsession confession

I don't get fanatical about many things.

Really, truly, I don't.

But I do have one minor obsession that I am not ashamed of and that is.......

Taylor Swift

I

 l.o.v.e.

her

(a whole lot)

I went to her concert about three or four years ago back when she wasn't a big deal. The concert was in a little auditorium in Idaho Falls and I think I paid $12 for my ticket. It was a Tuesday night and I almost didn't go because iIhad mutual.

(can you believe that!)

But my cousin talked me into it and I went, had a fabulous time, and got my picture taken with her.

Anyway...today I made about the best purchase I've made in three months....

I'm a little obsessed.
And looking forward to my next drive home.